pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
