I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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