Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
