i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
