Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
