Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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