So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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