saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
