Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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