She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
