Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
