Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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