is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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