She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She's the barista slut.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
