i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
