Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
