I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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