hotel room ftw
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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