if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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