you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
