He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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