The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
