So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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