I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
