I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
