she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
