god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Lo siento on account of my penis...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
