I just saw a hot homeless man
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
