Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
