He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
