I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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