He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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