I want to have your abortion
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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