Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
