I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
