2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
