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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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