a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
