he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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