Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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