I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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