Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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