if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
40s are totally the cure
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
