You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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