Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
