Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
