What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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