I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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