you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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