I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
